Mariah Carey's new hubby, Nick Cannon, believes they were meant for each other because they're both "eternally 12 years old." Which might explain why the 39-year-old chanteuse is still wedging herself into the same clothes she wore to pep squad practice in junior... more high (it also sheds some light on her prepubescent-y passion for butterflies and rainbows). To throw out the first pitch at a Japanese baseball game, Mariah opts for an outfit befitting the occasion, yanking on the denim shorts and Pink Lady-esque satin bomber jacket she was sporting the first time she made it to second base. Mrs. Cannon sets off her Hello Kitty by way of Hooters ensemble with her most athletic pair of shoes, which are slightly sturdier than the heels she was teetering in when she worked up a sweat on a Stairmaster during that oh-so-memorable episode of MTV's "Cribs."

Years of chirpy small talk with Regis Philbin have apparently taken their toll on Kelly Ripa, who seems to have suffered some sort of psychotic break that's left her with an overwhelming urge to spread her wings and fly -- literally. With a couple hundred pigeons... already plucked, all she needs to complete her cuckoo couture are a few dozen feather dusters and maybe an emu or two. Then, finally free from her banter-driven prison, Kelly will soar high into the sky before turning back around and dive-bombing the impeccably coiffed head of an unsuspecting Reege.

When you're lovely, leggy and all of 20, like Rihanna here, your fashion choices are limitless. So we're at a loss over how the chanteuse ended up strapped into this bizarre, bikini-on-steroids steely contraption. Did her stylist convince her that...stomach-baring holes straight out of the game of Operation are all the rage? Or that a skirt gathered like an oversized dinner napkin tucked into her panties creates an alluring silhouette? Adding to RiRi's troubles are her neon green, glow-in-the-dark fingernails, a color choice that should be reserved for such sophisticated objects as highlighters, novelty slime and Borat's trademark thong.

We're firm believers in the "if you've got it, flaunt it" philosophy, but not when the "it" in question -- or in the case of Jennifer Hudson, an eye-popping pair of heaving "its" -- is being uncomfortably hoisted chin-ward by a hot pink lace push-up bra. And ...definitely not when the reinforced (we're assuming) foundation garment is attempting to claw its way out from under a pretty, snow-white summer dress. On the plus side, at least the becomingly bob-topped Oscar winner's red-belted ribcage is at the ready with a second line of cross-your-heart support should her bra make a clean getaway.

Believe it or not, it takes a bit of effort to make Carrie Underwood look this lovely. Don't believe us? Behold her Academy of Country Music Awards to-do list: 1) Find a kicky, fringe-covered metallic cocktail dress that in no way resembles anything Beyoncé would...wear while belting out "Bootylicious." Check. 2) Slip on eye-catching diamond baubles worth more than the other "American Idol" winners combined. Check (also: suckers). 3) Dive into a vat of self-tanner tinted to match the orange carpet. Check. 4) Carefully study reruns of "T.J. Hooker" to perfect Heather Locklear's not-found-in-nature hair color. Check. 5) Stock up on plenty of clear deodorant. D'oh!

Smhh at all of them !

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